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Listening I received an e-mail that echoed what I've heard many time in my work in online support groups for pain and migraine sufferers. The woman said that her husband wasn't very patient with her migraines. I have heard countless stories of migraines causing problems in people’s relationships. Simply put – they don’t have to! I often suggest to these women to communicate openly with their spouses about their migraines and not to be afraid to ask for help, whether it involves watching the kids, doing some chores around the house, or (and often most importantly) offering their wife some comfort while she suffers. Some actual responses from women are as follows: 1) My husband wouldn’t help
out around the house if it was on fire and he had the only
hose. Here’s a message to all you husbands out there who fit these descriptions, and you know who you are! Migraines are DEBILITATING! They are NOT just bad headaches. A hangover doesn’t even come close to what a migraine does. When your wife has one, she needs your help, your support, your compassion, and your intimacy. With those things, she will get better much faster. (And for those of you who think she is faking it: 1) She isn’t and 2) What’s the harm in giving her the benefit of the doubt?) So how can you accomplish these
things and help her out? Here’s what you can do. By taking these actions, you will increase your intimacy as a couple. Your wife will be more comfortable opening up to you about her headaches. She will recover from her headaches much faster and with much more energy to spare afterwards, and you will take your relationship to the next level just by being there for each other. In short, you can turn a negative experience into a positive one. Is dealing with a spouse’s migraines difficult? Yes, it is. But anything of great value always takes work, and what better way to put forth effort than towards helping the woman you love? David As you may begin to learn from these articles, I have the most wonderful, patient wife in the world. However, her splendor goes far beyond her kindness, patience, and compassion. I read a Fox News article recently claiming that migraine sufferers have stronger sexual desire. Yeah, I laughed too. Then I really thought about it. There are times when a rush of endorphins can definitely help a migraine. However, once you're in the middle of one, that kind of activity is usually not the first thing that comes to mind. However, another kind of intimacy does seem to help. When I get a really bad headache, I will lay down with my wife on the couch and we will watch TV. Even though my migraines are generally not triggered by stress and are not tension headaches, as I relax with my wife and begin to feel close to her, the pain becomes more tolerable. I have also noticed that my migraine treatments work much, much better when I am relaxing with her. The funny thing is, I've tried just relaxing on my own, and it does help a little, but not nearly as much as when I relax with her. I suppose you could relate this phenomenon to the theories behind biofeedback or acupuncture. If you can relax and quiet your mind, your body has a better ability to heal itself. Whatever the reason, it sure works for me, and it also made Elise realize that she truly can help with my migraines, and that she is not powerless to stop them. So whether
it is cuddling with your wife, petting your cat, or calling your best
friend on the phone, don't rule out the power of comfort and
intimacy. How A Doctor Finds A Good
Patient Yes, that's right - how a doctor finds a good patient. Everyone is concerned about finding a good doctor, but doctors also try to find good patients. If you are a good patient, your doctor will have a lot more flexibility to treat you properly. Every doctor has more rules to follow than anyone can track, so the more you can help them, the more they can help you. So how can you be a good patient so that your doctor can do their job to the best of their ability? Here are some tips: Tip 1) Document, document, document. Telling your doctor that you have "Bad headaches" is very vague. Keep a headache journal either on a computer or in a folder. When you get a headache, write down when you got it and how bad it was on a scale of 1-10. Write down how much work you missed or even if it kept you from your normal activities like cooking dinner or shopping. Once the doctor has documentation of the impact on your life, they can help you much more easily. Tip 2) Communicate openly and honestly. Don't be heroic. If you can't take it anymore - tell the doctor. If it is impacting your life, tell them how. Give lots of details, and your doctor will be much more able to help. Tip 3) Research. It's
your headache - learn everything can about it. Go to medscape.com,
headaches.about.com, clusterheadache.com, or anything else you can find
online. Learn about new treatment options and try to contribute
ideas. It will help... |
To Doctor, to Doctor, to Fill Up a Med . . . Once or twice per month, your spouse sees his or her headache doctor, but you've never met this mysterious person who works miracles. Who is this ray of light? What are his credentials? What is her philosophy towards pain management? Going with your spouse to one of his doctor visits may be helpful to both of you. Why? First of all, you can meet the doctor and put a face to his name. This doctor is, after all, one of the most important people in your lives. Because of the talent of Dave's doctor and her persistence in treating Dave's pain, my husband and I can travel. The quality of his life is better. And I come home to a much happier spouse. Another good reason to meet your spouse's headache doctor is to ask questions that your spouse may not be able to answer. You may be curious about the possible causes of the migraines or cluster headaches. You want to know what side effects the medications could cause. When she's going through a painful string of cluster headaches, your spouse won't always think of all the questions to ask and may not remember everything about the appointment when she gets home. She's just trying to get through one painful day after another. One important reason for me to go with Dave to his doctor on occasion is to provide a "reality check." One December, Dave was having a horrible cluster headache cycle. Dave was a "glass-half-full" type of guy, so when the doctor asked how his cycle was, Dave said, "Oh, not too bad." My mouth dropped open. Not too bad? He was in excruciating pain every night! So I cleared the air, and the doctor understood the reality of the situation and gave my husband a more aggressive treatment. You or your spouse may be hesitant about a family outing to the doctor. After all, a visit to the doctor is a private thing. But you won't be going often, and you don't even have to sit through an entire appointment. During the last six years, I've gone to the doctor with Dave twice. The first time, I went mainly to meet the doctor. I went the second time because I wanted to ask some questions about cluster cycles--what they were, what triggered them, and whether they would go away when Dave got older. Remember that you and your spouse
are a platoon in the war against headaches. To work better as a
unit, you need to understand what your spouse is experiencing and educate
yourself on headaches and their treatments. Prescription bottles and colorful sample boxes for new migraine medications pepper the bathroom counter. I can't keep all the "Z" medications--like Zofran, Zonegran, and Zomig--straight. How do these meds work? How much should my spouse be taking? What are the side effects? These are valid questions and ones which you, as a migraine sufferer's spouse, should be able to answer. If you need to take your spouse to the ER, you should be able to tell the doctor what meds your spouse takes. This will help the ER doctors determine appropriate and inappropriate treatment. I have a hard time keeping track of all the meds Dave takes because he's switched some meds and he's trying new ones. So in my wallet, I keep an index card or a small piece of paper listing Dave's meds and the doses he takes. I also note whether Dave takes the meds daily, weekly, or as needed. The next time I take Dave to the ER, I can hand this list to the doctor. I'll be anxious enough about getting Dave to the ER, so my mind may not be focused on the details of his meds. You should also know the side effects of a med. Sometimes Dave hasn't recognized a side effect, but I have. For instance, when Dave took Topamax, his personality changed. Dave on Topamax was depressed and agitated, not like my fun-loving, relaxed, "the glass is half-full" Dave. However, Dave didn't notice this change. I talked with Dave about his mood change, and we looked up Topamax and its side effects on WebMD. We learned that mood changes and depression are serious side effects of Topamax. My alertness to the changes in Dave helped him avoid further side effects and determine that this drug wasn't right for him. Some meds require the avoidance of certain foods or alcoholic beverages. If you're aware of these dietary restrictions, you can replace the beer in the refrigerator with soft drinks and get rid of tempting foods your spouse can't eat. Migraines are tough, and you and your spouse need to
be a team in dealing with them. Educate yourself about the
medications you see in your spouse's medicine cabinet. Help your
spouse with his or her meds, not as a parent but as a partner. Talk
openly about what works and what doesn't work. And always keep
a list of your spouse's meds with you.
Elise
--------------------------------------------- Headaches brought my husband and I closer
together.
During the first several
years of our marriage, Dave would shut himself in his office and work on
his computer almost every evening.
So we did our own things, each in a different part of the
house. The physical space
that separated us also signified our emotional distance from each
other. I wasn’t sure if he just didn’t want to
be around me or if something else was bothering him. One December day during our
seventh year of marriage, Dave came to me in the living room, clutching
his head. I asked if he had
hurt himself. He told me he
had a horrible migraine – a headache beyond a migraine known as a “cluster
headache” (nicknamed the “suicide headache”). The pain almost disabled Dave, and for
the first time, he turned to me for emotional support when he was in
pain. Dave’s cluster headaches
came in cycles. He got them
every December and again in April.
Each cycle lasted an average of two months. During that first December cycle,
Dave and I started relaxing on the couch every evening. I stretched out with a pillow on
my lap, and Dave rested his throbbing head on it. When the pain
would flare up, I would gently massage his temples to try and ease the
pain. It’s ironic, but the more
the pain increased, the closer we became. Those weeks of Dave’s first
cluster cycle became a turning point in our marriage. We watched Star Trek every night,
and our growing intimacy helped him cope with his headaches.
Dave said that one of the
best decisions he ever made was to walk into the living room on that
December evening and let me comfort him. A few years later, he told me why
he had isolated himself when we were first married. He thought he was helping our
marriage. He was afraid that
if he told me about every one of his headaches, then migraines would
dominate every one of our conversations. He feared
that I would become tired of hearing about his headaches. But headaches aren’t the
only subject we discuss. And because I
can help him through his pain, we are now closer than we’ve ever
been. All articles and contents of
this page are Copyright 2006 by Dave and Elise. Contact us
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